Miss Me with That "Check-In" Sh*t

Babes, getting a text twice a year, it's not friendship.📵

There was a time when a “Hey stranger 👀” or a “Was just thinking about you” text would pull a smile out of me from distanced relationships.

Now? I feel my stomach turn.

Not out of bitterness.

But clarity.

I've learned that some people don’t reach out to reconnect; instead, they check in to see if the line is still open for them. It’s not for the sake of friendship or because they’ve genuinely been thinking about me. Often, it’s because guilt has nudged them, or they find themselves in a chaotic period and need a soft place to land... once again.

These "check-in" texts have formed a consistent pattern. They feel familiar, predictable, and somewhat performative.

And I’m tired..

I’ve sat in coffee shops and across kitchen counters, called with a trembling voice and an open heart, trying to untangle tension, miscommunication, or silence. I used to believe that every friendship deserved CPR, even when the relationship had flatlined months ago.

But what happens when your efforts start to feel like emotional labor? When your attempts at resolving issues turn into constant over-explaining? When you keep showing up, only to find that people check in but never really stay connected?

There’s no dramatic breakup or shocking betrayal—just a sense of misalignment and that quiet ache of realization.

This isn’t mutual anymore.

Let’s be honest:

Check-in friends are often not reaching out for your sake; they’re doing it for themselves.

They tend to reach out when:

• They are experiencing emotional distress and need support, a voice of reason, a fixer, or a source of comfort.

• They feel guilty about allowing the friendship to fade.

• They are looking for gossip, nostalgia, or comfort, but not genuine connection.

After offloading their emotional burdens onto you, they vanish again. There’s no investment in the relationship and no intentions for a genuine connection. It isn’t friendship; it feels more like surveillance cloaked in a smile.

At times, it truly feels as though I'm merely an unpaid therapist for them. The emotional labor is draining, as I come to understand that we can't simply enjoy the relaxed dynamics of friendship where we support one another and share good times. Instead, our interactions often revolve around their struggles, leaving little room for the reciprocation or light-hearted moments that typically characterize a balanced friendship. It can be disheartening, as I yearn for a connection that isn't solely defined by their challenges but also enriched by mutual understanding and joy.

We don’t go to concerts together, we don’t plan trips, and we don’t create new memories. Instead, I only receive late-night rants, tearful voice notes, and crisis calls.

And then... nothing happens afterward. 🤷🏽‍♀️

Recently, I've been observing these "check-in" friends who seem to be showcasing their lives on social media, eagerly sharing their latest adventures with a myriad of companions. It’s fascinating how platforms like these often serve as highlight reels, where everyone presents their glamorous moments. Yet, I can’t help but wonder how they manage to carve out time for socializing with others while consistently bypassing the opportunity to connect with me.

Let me clarify: I harbor no envy or jealousy towards their choices; I understand that relationships manifest differently with each individual. However, it leaves me questioning my worth in their lives. Am I destined to play the role of the supportive friend—the therapist—yet never invited to partake in the joyful, shared experiences? It feels as though I’m assigned to a limited, trial version of our friendship, while others enjoy the full, vibrant subscription.

Through this lens, I’ve come to realize that people genuinely invest their time in what they value. They prioritize those relationships that resonate with them. I acknowledge this universal truth and won’t make excuses for it; we all tend to gravitate towards those connections that nourish us. This brings me to an uncomfortable feeling regarding the so-called check-in friends—there's something about their behavior that unsettles me.

This contemplation has led me to pose a few essential questions to myself:

Why is it unreasonable to desire joyful experiences with the individuals I support through their struggles?

Why do I often find myself receiving only the leftovers of connection, while others bask in the warmth of celebration and camaraderie?

If the truth is that I’m not the individual you envision sharing life’s moments with, that’s perfectly acceptable. However, I would appreciate honesty. Just tell me where I stand in your world so that I can categorize our relationship appropriately—either by integrating you more deeply into my life or gently ushering you out. Clear communication can illuminate the path forward in a way that unspoken feelings never can.

Because I deserve to choose how this relationship goes, too.

I used to internalize their inconsistency, believing that perhaps I was the dramatic one, prone to overreactions. I would often find myself questioning if my expectations were too high. Perhaps I was too present, too emotionally invested, or too immersed in a world that often prioritizes surface connections over genuine intimacy.

But here’s what I understand now:

Embracing presence in my relationships is not a flaw; it is a testament to my commitment and authenticity. Caring deeply for others is not a weakness; it is a strength that fosters meaningful bonds and profound understanding.

I desire relationships built on reciprocity, where both parties contribute equally. I refuse to settle for connections that are constructed from borrowed vulnerability and filled with empty assurances. Such dynamics leave me feeling hollow and unfulfilled.

If I am consistently showing up emotionally, physically, and spiritually-then, yes, it is reasonable for me to expect that same level of respect and effort in return. I deserve to be met with the same dedication that I offer.

Somewhere along this journey of self-discovery, I realized that the people who truly love and care for you will not leave you enveloped in confusion or doubt. They will communicate openly, promote transparency, and ensure that the love shared is unwavering and clear..

“I’ve just been so busy” is a phrase I can no longer accept from people who only show up when it suits them. We’re all busy; life throws endless responsibilities our way. Each of us is juggling work, personal commitments, and the weight of our challenges. Yet, amidst this chaos, I still find time to text back, check in on loved ones, plan dinners, send heartfelt voice notes, or simply drop by to let someone know I’m thinking of them.

My schedule isn’t empty; in fact, it often feels overflowing. My life isn’t lighter; it’s filled with responsibilities and transitions. But I’ve learned to prioritize what truly matters to me. If you never carve out time for me, I’ll take that as a clear message about your priorities.

At this moment, I find myself in a significant life transition. I’m on the brink of graduation, which carries both excitement and anxiety. I’m preparing to relocate to another state, an endeavor that brings its own set of challenges and uncertainties. I’m actively applying for jobs, navigating a competitive job market while trying to showcase my skills and passion. On top of all this, I’m straining to maintain my emotional and financial balance, and some days, it feels like a lot to handle.

And those who form the core of my community, they are the ones I love deeply and cherish, they’re well aware of what I’m navigating right now. I communicate openly with them about my life's whirlwind because honesty strengthens our connections.

I refuse to disappear for months on end and then resurface with a vague “Hey, you’ve been on my mind.” Instead, I approach my friends with transparency: “I’m currently managing a lot, but I genuinely want to stay connected. Could we cook dinner together at your place soon? I’d love to catch up over a meal, or can I give you a call later this week? I want to share what’s happening in my life.” It’s all about fostering meaningful relationships, even during busy times.

I open my door to them, welcoming them in, even during those times when life feels especially burdensome. This gesture goes beyond mere explanation; it embodies a sense of respect and understanding for their presence. It highlights the depth of our friendship, where we choose to share our vulnerabilities and find solace in each other's company.

This is a conversation that may make some people uncomfortable acknowledging, but it’s important to highlight the distinction between genuine friendships and what I refer to as "check-in" friendships.

Genuine Friendships: These are built on deep connections, mutual care, and ongoing effort from both parties. In a genuine friendship, friends provide unwavering support for each other, celebrate each other’s successes, and are present through both the good times and the challenges. This type of friendship is characterized by consistent communication and mutual investment, where both individuals prioritize the relationship and actively contribute to its growth.

Check-in Friendships: In contrast, check-in friendships tend to be more superficial and may lack emotional depth and reciprocity. These are often encounters that happen out of convenience or necessity rather than a genuine connection. Check-in friends typically engage only when it suits them or when they need something. Their communication tends to be infrequent and may revolve around surface-level topics, lacking the emotional vulnerability that characterizes deeper relationships. This imbalance often manifests as one person putting in significantly more effort to maintain the connection, while the other remains indifferent or only reaches out sporadically. In difficult times, check-in friends offer limited support and are often absent when it matters most.

It’s essential to recognize that disappearing for months without explanation and then expecting to be welcomed back as if nothing happened isn’t how genuine friendships work, especially when the only reason for reaching out is one’s struggles. Let's stop normalizing this behavior as if we all don't want the reciprocity. I believe this shift we’re witnessing in the dynamics of friendships is largely due to a diminishing sense of authenticity and genuine connection among individuals. While many might assume they are simply growing tired of friendships, the underlying issue often lies in the quality of those relationships rather than a reluctance to engage.

Navigating friendships is like tending to a garden. Some relationships blossom and thrive with regular care and attention, while others may wither despite our best efforts. Just as not every seed we plant will grow into a strong, enduring plant, not every friendship will flourish over time. It's okay to prune back relationships that no longer bring joy or support, allowing us to focus on those that enrich our lives and contribute to our emotional well-being.

In short, fostering genuine friendships requires mutual commitment and understanding. Without this, friendships can easily fade, leading to an environment where authenticity becomes a rarity instead of the norm.

Friendships shouldn't be one-sided therapy; rather, they should be a reciprocal relationship. I refuse to be treated as an emotional storage unit where one can offload their feelings and then vanish until the sun shines again.

Check-in friends do not deserve unfettered access to my emotional self. Granting them that access can stunt personal growth and compromise my boundaries. They don’t get to benefit from the healed version of me, the one who no longer chases after closure, who has learned not to revive what is dead, and who understands the difference between effort and overextension.

Those types of friendships often hinder personal growth and emotional healing. They can lead to a perpetual cycle of self-doubt regarding your worth and the role you play in someone else's life. How many times must you plead for mutual respect and understanding in a relationship? If you find yourself consistently engaging in heart-wrenching conversations, expressing your desire for the friendship to evolve, yet nothing changes, it's crucial to take a step back. Save yourself from the additional stress and emotional turmoil. Reflect on whether it’s wise to reopen old wounds that were finally beginning to heal. Prioritize your well-being and consider if it’s time to let go of relationships that no longer serve you.

The Unwind 🧘🏽‍♀️

Friendship should never feel like a guessing game, where you’re left to wonder how much you truly mean to someone.

When someone only reaches out during their times of need and ghosts you for months, if not longer, that’s not support; that’s simply access. It’s a hollow connection where your presence is useful, but not valued. If a friend vanishes during your struggles but reappears like clockwork once you’ve rediscovered your smile, that's not genuine care; that’s merely a search for comfort in their times of distress.

Let this be the season where you firmly affirm:

“If you can’t show up consistently in my life, then don’t show up at all.”

Stop texting those individuals who only remember you when they need emotional support or a favor. It’s time to cease holding space for connections that feel more like transactional exchanges, akin to emotional ATM withdrawals, rather than true, mutual intimacy. Don’t mistake years of shared history as a substitute for the ongoing effort and commitment necessary for a meaningful friendship.

You don’t have to unleash your frustrations and burn bridges; instead, you can quietly construct a better gate, one that defines your boundaries and secures your heart.

This gate should only open for those who approach with genuine intention, not just convenience. It should safeguard the healed version of you, ensuring you are protected, valued, and truly seen by those who matter.

“Love is about giving and receiving. It thrives on generosity and compassion.” — bell hooks.

Remember, time is not infinite, nor do we have the luxury of redoing this life. So, love your people boldly, with intention, and fully engage in the relationships that enrich your life.

But let those same principles of love be reflected at you. If they cannot reciprocate with the same depth and dedication, it’s okay to let them go. Your well-being deserves the kind of love that is robust, consistent, and intentional.